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Friday, 7 December 2007

Subtle Scottish Jokes

A few weeks ago Tam Cowan in the Daily Record asked readers to send in their favourite Scottish Jokes.These are a few of them.Perhaps some non caledonians might need some interpretations.

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell.

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
And the girl says: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers."

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa dear," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer? The dark tan yin.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: "Shug, do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?" And he says: "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye The Noo.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in aplummy voice: "Is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."


  1. lol!

    Through the magic of the internet I have two Scottish friends, one in Dumfries and the other in Ft. William, and between the two of them explaining it to me, I think we managed to squash most of the humor flat! :D :D

    Most of course are phonetic puns. I just have to imagine one of the characters from Chewin' The Fat pronouncing it and then it makes PERFECT sense. ;)

  2. Och ye've a guid bit o' smeddum then,ye can blaw aboot it noo.

  3. Thank you kindly and back atcha:

    A traveller who is a huge fan of seafood arrives in Boston for the first time. He leaves the airport and hails a cab. After he gets in, he excitedly says to the cabbie, "Hey, I'm new in town. Can you tell me a good place to go to get scrod?" The cabbie replies [in a thick Boston accent], "Pal, I've got to congratulate you. I've heard that question a lot over the years, but that's the first time I've ever heard it in the pluperfect subjunctive."


Thanks for all your comments. I may not get to reply to them all, but you may be sure they'll be appreciated.

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